The legality

Of course the other thing that drags on is the court case, it probably won't reach a resolution for at least another year, so I have to keep reading expert witness reports and legal documents ... doom and bloody gloom! It's all true but how can I stay positive when I have to keep reading negative stuff.

The Right Arm

A constant source of pain and discomfort. My elbow, forearm, wrist and hand feel like they are in a vice, and for the most part that vice is deep frozen.
People ask me all the time if there is anything happening and I'm just a bit pissed off with it. I know they ask mostly out of care and concern but I'm bored with giving the same answer ... no improvement! If I'm honest it's because I'm afraid that there won't ever be much improvement. I want the three years to be up and to have a definate idea of what use I will have.

The not knowing is almost as bad as the pain.

I'm going to London on Tuesday to see the consultant, I don't believe I'm going to get very much out of the appointment and I think it's more for their records. The physios will probably offer me an orthosis, and me being me will take it but probably won't use it, from my research it looks like a bit of a contraption. We'll see.

The news couldn't be worse, the nerves that supply my hand were avulsed from my spinal cord so the surgery was unable to repair them, they patched them to try and reduce the nerve pain but my hand will never work. This leaves me with a real dilemma, but something that I won't need to decide on for 18 months. What's the point in carrying around a useless limb? It's only function is cosmetic, but could I really decide to have it amputated? It's at times like this when I really really need a supportive partner, family and friends are not the same.
I'm going to Stanmore in June 2010 for another week of rehab and will discuss things at length with my consultant then. He's recommended that I have another nerve graft to try and reduce the pain but I don't know, it would mean that I will lose sensation from the donor site. When will this nightmare be over!

Dorset... finally!

The prosthetic leg I have from the NHS is rubbish! Granted it allows me to stand and walk, but not without extreme difficulty and discomfort. Being the determined person that I am walking is now my primary goal. I love walking; not hiking or speed walking but just normal walking. Around town, exploring a new city, along the wall from Dawlish to Dawlish Warren, that kind of thing.
The leg I have right now is not suitable for walking at all, it doesn't fit properly, the gait pattern is not at all comparable to a normal gait, the knee does not support weight when it's bent, it rubs ... the list goes on! So I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love it because it means I am no longer completely dependant on a wheelchair, but I hate it for the above reasons.
Anyway the good news is that I am finally going to Dorset Prosthetics for a 'proper' leg. I'll be like the bionic woman, without the silly sound effects.. obviously! They are the best in the country and from what I've seen and heard it will change my life! Hopefully I should have the leg on home trial by the end of April 2010... very exciting!

Still recovering

The months that followed held some of the worst moments. As the reality of the situation really began to sink in I became acutely aware of everything I had lost, both in Si and myself. When I cried it came from the pit of my stomach and I felt like it would tear me in half. Sometimes all I wanted to do was get out and run, and run.
I know I was an absolute bitch to live with but my Mum and Dad, sister and L were there for me. They understood.

The cage finally came off in May 2009, hoorah and I was then in plaster! They also operated on my left arm again as it hadn't healed properly. This meant that I wasn't able to walk until my left arm had healed, which took until August. I also had restricted use of my left arm while it healed so for the first few weeks post-op I was quite literally armless. Very frustrating.
After that the consultant decided that it was time to fuse my right wrist, it was damaged beyond repair. So in October 2009 I had my final operation, they took bone from my hip and used a metal plate to fuse my wrist, effectively extending my arm bone down to my finger bones. I was unable to walk for weeks after that as my hip was so tender from the bone graft, my wrist was in plaster until January 2010. The funniest thing was every time I went to have my wound checked or plaster changed the team would ask if it was sore or if the bandage was too tight, they all know that my arm is paralysed... I feel nothing!

Saying Goodbye

I knew I had to do it but it was the hardest thing ever. I couldn't prolong it any longer, for the children's sake, for our family and friends, and for me.
Si wouldn't have wanted flowers and so the only display was 1-2-1, those closest knew what that meant, and what it will always mean.
It was a beautiful service and a fitting tribute to such a wonderful man, but all I knew was the emptiness that filled me and surrounded me. I stood with K,L and J and I spoke but I wasn't there. My children were amazing, so strong and brave. They had coped without their Dad and just a mere shell of their Mum.
I broke down when I got home, I remember feeling stripped of everything, desperate, helpless and utterly stranded. How had I got this far, how would I be able to continue?

Recovery begins - In my daughters words

Please click here...

The Aftermath

I only remember one face, T. He kept talking to me, kept me awake and I thank him for keeping me here for my children.
Everything else was a blur, there were so many people, so many voices, and the pain was indescribable.

The rain is falling on my face, and I'm worried that my mascara has run, then I'm in the ambulance looking at the clock with time that doesn't seem to move and I'm almost constantly, almost without stopping to draw breath, asking for Si.

I knew he had died, I just knew it but I couldn't comprehend it, and I wanted so desperately to believe that I was dreaming.

I'm not sure how long it took to get to hospital, it's so surreal and all I can hear is the sound of doctors and nurses trying to resuscitate someone.
And I knew.
I can't see and I can't move but I can hear them trying to save Si, in the bed next to me. I ask if it's my husband and they tell me that it is, and I listen. The sound stops and a voice confims what I already know, Si has died.

Then came the darkness and a pain so incredibly deep; I felt my heart break.