Another year begins

I had a bloody good cry as I read back through this blog and I realised that even though this story began over five years ago the intensity of the loss and suffering is still tangible. I go about my life now with it somewhere in the back of my head, as is normal else I'd be institutionalised by now, but there are times when it slaps me full in the face and the tears stream down my face making my mascara run, much as the rain did on that day. I need to find a life for myself and I have been trying to do this for the past few years. I have based finding my new life on finding a new man but have now learnt that this is the wrong way to go about it. Desperate is unattractive to the attractive, and, conversely, desperate is attractive to the unattractive. By attractive I don't necessarily mean to the eye, but also to the mind. I have made some foolish choices and cannot believe that I have, but I have learnt a lot and so I guess things have turned out ok. My arm pain continues and I am almost at the point of accepting that it will always be that way. Aside from maxing out on painkillers or having radical surgery that could affect my left leg there are no more options, and getting drunk every night to numb the pain is not really cool!! I have discovered some really true friends but I choose not to rely on them too heavily as they have lives too. I know that's what friends are for but I don't want to be too dependent, as usual! Funniest reply I've made most recently, "Sorry I can't come out on Tuesday I have to take my leg in for it's two year service!"