Not happy, not happy at all

Ok so I try to get on with my life because after all life is for living right? Well that's true I guess, and I have a lot to live for, my three children and my 1.5 grandchildren. But just some days it's so bloody hard. I hate being disabled, I hate the restrictions it carries, and the frustrations that it brings. I hate being widowed. Actually that is in the wrong order because if I could choose between the two I would rather be disabled and still have my Si with me than be widowed and intact! I hate not knowing what my life is or what it will be, my 'life map' has been torn into pieces and trampled on and I'm finding it incredibly hard to accept anything but what that was going to be.
I got a new car on the motobility scheme today and as much as I love it I also hate that I have this brand spanking new car outside my house and no Si within it, because honestly it's just material compensation.
But I have to accept that this is my life now because what other choice do I have?
I'm trying to move forwards and trying to be optimistic about life but it's been one hell of a fucking week, month and two years and right now optimism is slightly beyond me!
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to see what life there is for me.

Elective Amputation

It's definately going to happen, probably in about two months. I saw Mr Standley at the RD&E today and he agrees that it is the best option for me. He feels that my arm won't ever be strong enough to hold a prothestic but that's really neither here nor there. I want it amputated because it is restricting me, I can't carry around a useless limb for the rest of my life.
I am feeling very emotional about it as it brings so many things to the front of my mind. I'm also feeling very angry that I'm even in this position, whilst Meller walks out of jail this month and back to his life!!

Frustrating

It looks great, and I know it will be great it's just taking some getting used to. The kneee is stiffer, the socket is tighter and the leg is a lot heavier ... but it is getting better and I just have to be patient and undeterred!!

Happy new leg day

I have my final leg, finally! It looks so real. The knee joint is a bit stiff but that's because of the covering so bending it will help to resolve that. It's a bizarre feeling to look down and see my leg, and strangely I think I'm going to miss the looks from people now, although as Lisa kindly pointed out there's still my arm to look at! As soon as I got home I put on a skirt, yay!